The hopeful and the hopeless Every marriage is built in hope. People marry because they hope that life together will be more effective, satisfying, and purposeful than life alone. Nevertheless, nearly every marriage goes through a period of disillusionment when the couple realizes that what they had hoped would happen is not going to happen. Sadness, hurt, and anger replace hope. Pastors and counselors hear story after story of troubled marriages and dashed hopes, and we are tempted to join in the despair. Such hopelessness ignores the hopeful fact that people can change and grow, miracles can occur, and the changed attitudes and perceptions of even one spouse can significantly alter the relationship of a couple. Recovery of hopeBelieving a marriage can improve is the essential first step in restoring a deteriorating relationship. Beginning with that premise, Sheldon and Lillian Louthan with Floyd and Nelda Coleman developed a program, Recovery of Hope, to help seriously troubled marriages. The program centers on a Saturday morning seminar and follow-up counseling and includes:
To hear someone else speak about the personal failure of a marriage contract, the death of dreams, or despair and pain from a perspective of hope is a powerful encouragement. Encouragement is the ingredient required to motivate people to do the hard work of rebuilding a relationship. Utilizing a counselorPeople in trouble have already tried their own problem solving. Now they are looking for someone who has more knowledge and skill than they have. Not all counselors, however, are trained in marriage therapy. I realize now that in the past I was sometimes very helpful to individuals who came for counsel but perhaps inadvertently harmful to their marriage. Unless I work with couples with the understanding that I'm committed to developing the relationship, the marriage may fail as the counseling succeeds. Individual growth often drives a wedge in the relationship. If the marriage is already weakened, a spouse may perceive the marriage relationship as an enemy of individual growth instead of as a catalyst for personal development. A couple in crisis needs a counselor who can help them as a couple. Finding a caring communityEach couple in Recovery of Hope that makes a recovery plan is helped to find another couple that will care for them. This other couple may pray for or visit them, but will at least represent the bond of a caring community. If possible, we try to find this couple from the troubled couple's congregation. One congregation called me to report they were sending a couple to Recovery of Hope. Loved ones, members of the congregation, and the pastor all were concerned for this marriage of twenty-five years that continued to be marked by hostility and bitterness. Now, with the children gone, sullen stubbornness was being replaced by concrete plans for separation. The congregation paid the seminar fee and promised to help with the cost of follow-up counseling. The couple was surrounded with love and prayer instead of gossip and malice. Without that atmosphere, the couple would not have even tried to salvage their marriage. Discovering the possibility of changeA recovery plan is a specific agreement about the problems in the marriage and the remedial steps to be taken. This often leads to concrete agreements to try to modify behavior that has been a source of irritation. Often these behaviors are not big things, but they are the stuff of relationships. With Ted and Andrea, the problem was communication. He was in sales, she in education. She would talk about her day at school, and he would respond with advice. But she wasn't after answers; she wanted understanding. She grew more and more silent at home. He would try to dig and probe but you can't make someone talk. We examined the habits and patterns of their interaction. He agreed to "invite" her to talk about school. She agreed to try to share something. He agreed to listen and withhold advice. It was tough at first; he felt obliged to "help her out." But he gradually began to change. Then she had the courage to deal with the bigger things in their life. Learning to be responsibleMany times people in a painful marriage need to learn that they can be responsible for their own behavior and let go of the past in order to build a better future. Terry and Anne had been married twelve years. They had three children, and ever since the birth of the third child, sex had been a battleground. Terry felt somewhat insecure around his friends, so he tried to maintain a macho image. As often as not, however, his wife discouraged his sexual advances. In response, he would alternate between sullen pouting and brutal demands, punctuated by accusations that "something must be wrong with you." Anne developed such a seething resentment that when she would "give in," she would often rush to the bathroom and vomit as soon as her husband had satisfied himself. In counseling, she began to explore why sexual behavior was so fraught with double meaning in her life. He began to explore his insecurity and question why he believed he was okay only when someone else gave in to his whims. As both began to trace the patterns of their behavior in their personal histories, understanding and respect began to replace blame and accusations. He had to give up the expectation that she should respond to his every whim so he could match his friends' tales of sexual prowess. She had to stop understanding that sex was always a power play. These lessons did not come easily. Time, work, tears, prayer were all part of the process. But most important was forgiveness, letting go of the past, and turning over to God the hurts, bitterness, and anger that fueled the fighting for so long. Getting on with forgiveness is crucial to nurturing hope. I often feel, as a counselor, that my primary responsibility is to help people see beyond the immediate awfulness of their present moment and discover there is color again on the other side. The couples that share their stories in the Recovery of Hope have helped me believe in possibilities I used to doubt, and they have helped many couples find "strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow." Robert J. Carlson is a pastoral counselor with Prairie View, Inc., in Wichita, Kansas. This article originally appeared in Leadership journal. For more articles like this one, visit www.Leadershipjournal.net. Copyright © 1986 by Christianity Today International.    Preventing and Dealing with Sexual AbuseA comprehensive guide to keeping kids safe and understanding victims.  Answering Tough QuestionsAddress the tough questions in life with grace and truth. 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