Once a counselor has a basic understanding of the marital situation, he or she can work to accomplish some basic objectives. Ed Smelser lists five objectives that provide a marriage counseling routine in outline. Controlled release of tensionAfter gathering data in a safe setting, Smelser lets couples get things off their chests, excluding verbal abuse and hateful statements. A couple has built pressure in their relationship for a number of months or years. Merely allowing them the dignity of being heard releases pressure. Increased understanding of issuesEmotions cloud reasoning, and both parties likely come with a limited or distorted view of their marriage. Whether overly pessimistic, unnecessarily blameful, or excessively naive, their understanding often needs massive doses of unbiased observation. Questions that begin with, "Have you considered … " help couples view their problems from a new perspective. Communication with, rather than at, each otherIt's not uncommon for a counselor to hear a spouse talking as if the other weren't there: "I wish she'd just once—only once!—be on time for church!" The natural response to that is, "Jill's here. Maybe you could say it to her." Since communication problems are at the heart of so many marital crises, simply getting the two parties talking together can be a major step toward marital health. But the quality of that talk is important. Try to get the couple to say what they want, not what they don't like. For example, Smelser explains, "Most wives, when they say, 'Don't read the newspaper,' don't really have anything against newspaper reading. What they intend to say is, 'Talk to me!'" Refocusing on one's own responsibilitiesThe couple must learn to move the focus from "faults I think my partner ought to work on" to "What am I doing to contribute to our problems? What can I work on to make things better?" Smelser tries to help the couple focus on their own choices and individual responsibilities. Genuine appreciation for the other's feelings"People don't have to agree," Smelser assures us, "if only they understand the other person's position." This understanding applies not only to husband and wife, but to couple and counselor. Smelser believes that "people seem to know, at some level, where their problems are and what needs to be done. But they're in crisis and feel incapable of doing anything. I've found that simply agreeing with their intuitive analysis actually helps them do what their intuition has told them is right. Also, when they get my confirmation, they're accountable because I've said, 'I see what you see.' It's a lot harder for them to rationalize after that." James D. Berkley is an author, editor, and pastor in Bellevue, Washington. Copyright © 1989 by Christianity Today International. Adapted from Called Into Crisis.    Wedding ArrangementsForms, policies, and guidelines to help your church as it organizes weddings.  Shepherding OthersProviding soul care to your church's leaders and congregants. Recovery from Loneliness How can we provide and promote healing for those who are lonely? Suffering Can Be Good When we let the cross shape our theology.
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