I have spent many hours with couples and individuals who come for counseling because they say they want to save or improve their marriage only to find that what they really wanted was some justification to get out of the marriage. I must admit, I have encountered some seriously damaged marriages. But I have not found one beyond repair, if both people are willing to try to make the marriage work. You cannot take people where they do not want to go. If someone is convinced their marriage is over, they will either have to change their mind or God will have to intervene. I have seen both happen, but if it doesn't, the counseling time is often wasted. With that in mind, I ask three powerful questions early in the counseling process. These questions "cut to the chase" and help me determine how serious the couple is about saving or improving the marriage. (The questions are also very good for any couple that wants to take their marriage to a deeper level of commitment and intimacy. These questions can be self-applied, but it is helpful if the couple allows another person—perhaps a minister or close friend—to ask them and guide them through the discussion of their answers. Where do you want this marriage to go? Many couples have never talked about what they want out of a marriage. One person may think living two separate lives within the same house is enough, while the other person wants to share everything. Many people, especially men, think that if there isn't much fighting in the marriage, then it must be doing well. The other person, however, wants deeper intimacy. When a marriage is in trouble, one person may have already decided they want out. Until that is known, any attempt to help the couple is going to be ineffective. Because it is critical that people answer this question honestly, I usually ask them to take a few days to answer it—to search their heart and pray about their true feelings. I have been surprised many times by how this question can open dialogue that leads to understanding of the true condition of the marriage. The answers to this question should be both general and specific. A general answer would be, "I want a marriage where we are continually growing closing together and in our love for each other." A specific answer would be, "I want my husband to enjoy doing some of the things I do and show me he loves me in practical ways," or, "I want my wife to respect me and show me she values what I do for the family." How are you going to get there? Once a couple knows where they want to go, the next step is developing a plan to get there. But those plans cannot be implemented until all three questions are answered. If each person's heart is not into the changes, they will be short-lived. Taking the goals each person has for the marriage and where the couple says they want to go as a marriage, the couple then thinks through what must occur in order for those goals to be realized. If the couple wants their relationship with each other to be continually growing closer, for example, then the couple might need to plan more time to be alone with each other. It's difficult to grow closer to someone you never see. Some couples I know have used this question, combined with the first question, to come to an understanding of how their attitudes and the things they say play a part in building or hurting the marriage. Spouses that are constantly criticizing each other will begin to see that those actions are not helping to take the marriage where they say they want it to go. These detailed answers should be written down and agreed upon by each person. Again, it is helpful if a third party is assisting in this process. That person can keep the list for future reference and ask the couple on a regular basis if they are operating from the plan. Are you truly willing to do whatever it takes to get to the place you want to be in your marriage? This is by far the most important question, but it cannot be answered until the other two questions have been answered. I have had people answer, "Well, of course I am willing to do what it takes. Would I be here if I wasn't?" My experience tells me that people are usually willing to do things they want to do and, likewise, they aren't willing to do things they don't want to do. That may sound like common sense, but it is so important to understand. This third question helps to shake out the truth of the other two questions. Sometimes it is easy to answer the first two questions, but this third question forces the person to take another serious look inside their heart. These questions are not a shortcut to professional counseling. Many couples need counseling to work through deeper or more serious issues. These questions will, however, provide couples with a basic understanding of the current condition of their marriage. They can be helpful at any stage of marriage, and regardless of the condition of the marriage, they can assist in encouraging the marriage to grow in strength and intimacy. Ron Edmondson is a pastor and counselor in Clarksville, Tennessee. This article originally appeared in Leadership journal. For more articles like this one, visit www.Leadershipjournal.net. Copyright © 2007 by Christianity Today International.    Counseling Policies and Practices ForgivenessReceive the healing that letting go can bring. Ungrieving Grievances Complaints to the board need not ruin its effectiveness.  Preventing Volunteer Burnout3 biblical models for effective, lasting ministry.
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