 | Urgent Care
Dealing with Marital Crisis in Small Groups
Lee A. Dean
Small groups are a great place to identify and address marital crisis.
See "Marriage in Crisis" Training Pack
| Store Code: UC16-D
Format(s): Microsoft Word
Type: How-To Article
Price: $2.99
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| Topics: | Conflict, Counseling, Crisis, Marriage, Pastoral care, Reconciliation |
| Filters: | Counseling, Family ministry, Pastor, Pastoral care, Spiritual director |
| Purpose: | Ministry |
| References: | Proverbs 14:10 , Ecclesiastes 4:12, Galatians 6:2 |
| Date Added: | July 22, 2008 |
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It can be difficult for a minister to gauge the health of every marriage in his or her church at all times. The intimate interaction small group leaders have with just a few couples, on the other hand, enables them to detect dangerous changes in couple's behavior. Their intimacy with couples may also make them an effective resource person during the restoration period.
Be alert
A small group leader must be alert to warning signs that a marriage is in trouble.
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Verbal clues. Watch how a husband and wife talk to each other, both in the group and in non-group social settings. Be alert for someone criticizing his or her spouse in front of another group member. Behavior at social events can be the most telling sign of impending trouble, because some people are less inhibited at social events than at group meetings.
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Physical clues. Leaders should watch how couples touch each other, their posture, and how closely they sit next to each other. "Is there warmth?" asks Rex Minor, pastor of adult discipleship at Calvary Community Church in Westlake Village, California. "If you're in a group with people for six weeks, you can just tell if there's marital warmth or marital distance."
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Behavioral clues. Watch for changes in behavior. If a person is usually talkative and begins to brood or is unusually quiet, it may be time to ask if there's a problem. Watch for flashes of anger from a normally calm and quiet person. The surest sign of trouble is when one or both spouses stop attending the meetings.
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Hidden clues. Another sign of trouble is more hidden: when an individual does not open up or become vulnerable enough to share his or her struggles. Continue to be observant and gently challenge people when their words don't match up with their attitudes, postures, and behaviors. "We're not called to be mind readers," says Minor, "but we are called to love each other and ask questions."
Be proactive
Because timing is so important when dealing with sensitive issues, leaders should keep the following in mind:
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Too soon is better than too late. When a small group leader suspects someone is struggling with marital crisis, he or she should get involved as soon as possible. Some leaders may feel reluctant to intervene, especially early in the life of the group, if the leader is inexperienced, or if there is a fear of jumping to conclusions. In practice, however, most leaders move too slowly.
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Say it in private. The first step is to have a private conversation with the person or the couple. Share the things you have noticed and ask, "Are you okay? If not, there are ways we can help." You will not always get the couple to open up about their problems on the first try, but you will at least serve notice that you're watching and that you care.
If possible, men should talk to men and women to women in these private conversations. This approach is especially appropriate when talking to a couple in crisis. If this isn't possible, a leader could contact a member of the opposite sex, but only with the foreknowledge of the other partner.
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Ask for help. Leaders should get pastors, staff members, and other church leaders involved, but not immediately. Some pastors may want to step in too quickly and do the work of the group leader. The better alternative is for the pastor to become aware of the problem and then offer insight to the leader on how to proceed. If the small group leader keeps coming back for help, the pastor may want to take a more active role.
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Confronting sin. If divorce has taken place or is in process, the group leader needs to evaluate and confront the situation from a posture of grace. Each party shares some degree of responsibility for the end of the marriage. But in some cases, one person's sinful behavior will be largely responsible for the divorce. In those situations, the leader should alert the person to the harmful individual and corporate effects of his or her behavior. If the person persists in the behavior, exclude them from group fellowship. The leader should continue to pursue the erring person by maintaining contact and expressing concern.
Be unified
Perhaps the most powerful assets available to a leader in ministering to someone suffering from divorce are the other members of the group.
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Talk as a group. The leader should avoid the common mistakes of overkill and undercare. Leaders should consider who in the group has the best relationship with the person and let them take on the primary ministry roles, with the other group members playing supporting roles.
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Serve as role models. Group members who have successfully saved threatened marriages, or who have navigated the rocky waters of divorce with success, can provide wise counsel to people in crisis. This kind of advice and encouragement is crucial.
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Have a plan for when the wounded person wants to share. Sometimes a person wounded by divorce will want to share his or her feelings and needs with the group. The best leaders do not plow ahead with the planned activities if someone is crying out for help. Be prepared to give over the proceedings of at least one entire meeting to the needs of the suffering person. Let them vent and get their feelings on the table.
From that point on, leaders can be flexible. Some leaders may want to avoid allowing subsequent meetings to be dominated by the person's (or couple's) needs, while assuring that they receive care outside the meeting. Other leaders may want to devote as much group time as necessary to help steer the group member past the worst part of the crisis.
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Encourage ministry between meetings. One of the most effective times for other group members to minister is outside the official group meeting times. Encourage your group members to pray for the person, make encouraging telephone calls, and invite them into their homes for meals. If there is a workshop or support group meeting coming up, encourage the person to attend and offer to go with them.
Lee A. Dean is a freelance writer living in Michigan.
Copyright © 2008 by Christianity Today International. This article originally appeared on BuildingSmallGroups.com.
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