Divorce doesn't just happen all at once. It's a process—usually a very long one. Studies suggest that over 50 percent of divorced persons had seriously considered divorce for one to three years prior to granting the decree. Richard Hunt presents six stages of divorce and the crises that accompany them.
Occasionally a minister may be called on for help, or take the initiative to move into conversation with the persons involved, in stage 1. However, a dissatisfied or distressed married person will be more likely to share his or her feelings with a trusted friend at that stage. A minister is more likely to become involved in stage 2. Either way, once involved a minister should consider asking both partners to come together to share their feelings and attempt to clarify issues and needs. If, after three or four sessions together, the minister and/or the couple judge that progress is not being made, referral to a marriage counseling specialist is best. By the time a couple reaches stages 3 and 4, a friend or pastor will not likely be able to help them reconstruct their marriage. Even expert marriage counselors, when it is fairly certain that one or both partners have clearly decided for divorce, will shift into divorce counseling rather than marriage counseling. At this time, the minister should assist the couple in moving out of their marriage with as little damage as possible to themselves and their children. This process can be compared to assisting people in their anticipatory grief (as with a death), accepting the reality of the loss, and, in the case of divorce, accepting realistically their own share of the responsibility for the breakdown of relationship. Such acceptance is necessary for a person to confess, ask for and receive forgiveness, continue to experience being loved by God, and to reconstruct his or her self-esteem, which has usually taken quite a battering for a long period of time. Anticipatory griefDenial and disbelief are quite common responses not only for the person who hears about a spouse's desire for divorce, but also for the person who first realizes that she or he wants a divorce. The inner conflict they experience prevents them from talking about or taking concrete steps toward divorce, regardless of the pain of external conflicts in the marriage. This disbelief tends to express itself in minimizing the seriousness of the conflicts and in the repression of feelings. This creates another barrier to talking with a minister or other counselor about the distress. It's not uncommon that a person would feel new anger at the spouse putting him or her in the situation of divorce. A spouse may also become angry with himself or herself for being involved in the situation. These angers may be displaced onto the children or other members of the family or express themselves in general irritability. Strong wishes for a resolution of the situation, in some manner other than divorce, will continue to force themselves into the couple's consciousness. Occasionally this will manifest in one spouse's wishing for the death of the other as a rescue from the situation of the marriage, the divorce, and from having to make one's own personal decision. They might also hope for a miraculous change of the other person, or, much less frequently, of oneself so that the other will respond positively. These wishes arise both from the strength of the attachment and from fears of the future. Many couples headed for divorce make temporary truces. They may experience these truces as true reconciliations. Nevertheless, the relationship is still dying. Depression is also often a part of the movement toward the divorce decision, or a reaction following the decision. Depression has many causes: breaking the attachment to the other; anticipation of loss; one's own sense of failure and guilt; deep-seated anger that has found inadequate expression; a sense of helplessness; or some combination of these. This depression is usually fairly transient, because it is counterbalanced by other forces, such as the intolerable nature of the present relationship, blame of the other and outbursts of anger at the spouse, and the anticipation of relief that the divorce will afford. If it persists, the layperson or clergy needs to suggest that the person seek professional help. The sense of the reality of divorce tends to dawn gradually on most people. The feeling usually gets stronger as the legal proceedings are initiated, the persons physically separate, and decisions are made about children and property. A number of people report that the reality of it struck only when the divorce became final. Some might feel predominantly relief. Others will feel the beginning of the grief process. The reaction may be a combination of relief and grief. Children in divorceUnfortunately, children too often have no opportunity for anticipatory grief at all, as they are told that Daddy is moving out tonight or Mother is leaving tomorrow. This is a crime against the children. While most assuredly they must not be brought into arguments or negotiations between the parents, they still need to know as soon as possible after a clear-cut divorce decision has been reached, so they will have opportunity to experience and express their own feelings—fear, rejection, guilt, and anger toward their parents and, eventually, their acceptance of the inevitable. The announcement of divorce should be stated simply and clearly as an issue between the parents. The children should be assured that they have not done anything that has contributed to this decision, nor can they do anything to change the decision. Both parents can help the children feel and express their emotions by ensuring them of their love for them. Children's security, self-concept, and behavior are negatively affected by tension between their parents, with or without open arguing or physical violence. The physical separation of the parents, while often providing a calmer home atmosphere, always involves readjustments that takes years to complete. David K. Switzer is emeritus professor of pastoral counseling at the Perkins School of Theology in Dallas, Texas. Adapted from Pastoral Care Emergencies (Fortress, 2000). Used with permission.    Implementing Church DisciplineHelp your team understand what the Bible says about discipline, and get tips for appropriately handling issues so your church stays healthy.  Men and Women Working TogetherWhat women need to know about maintaining healthy, productive relationships with the men they work or minister with. Breaking the News An awful task is also an act of ministry. 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