| Topics: | Conflict, Counseling, Crisis, Marriage, Pastoral care, Reconciliation |
| Filters: | Counseling, Family ministry, Pastor, Pastoral care, Spiritual director |
| Purpose: | Ministry |
| References: | Proverbs 14:10 , Ecclesiastes 4:12, Galatians 6:2 |
| Date Added: | July 22, 2008 |
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Urgent care situations often require an immediate response from church leaders. This overview outlines major steps you should take in addressing marriages that are in crisis or facing divorce. These action steps are explored in greater depth and detail in the remainder of this packet.
Immediate concerns
- Assess the potential for physical assault. Should one of the spouses leave the premises? Might you be in danger when you intervene? If so, call the police.
- Decide whether to wait to be asked to help or to take the initiative. Waiting can either make you more effective or allow a situation to move beyond redemption.
Keep in mind
- Expect tears and anger. Emotions need to be vented in a controlled situation.
- Rarely is there a true villain and victim. Listen to both sides of the story.
- Resolution will likely be a long process, but crisis counseling can help the couple move from destructive to constructive modes of relating.
- Your role is to open lines of communication. Help the couple hear and understand each other by "translating" misunderstood communication and drawing out the unspoken.
- Help each person begin to ask, "What can I do to make my marriage work."
What to do and say
- Provide opportunity for the controlled release of emotions, but disallow hurtful or spiteful attacks.
- Let both parties know you are neutral. At some point, talk separately with each person to get his or her unedited version of the story.
- Provide perspective. Point out options other than the drastic ones the couple may be considering (such as divorce), and help the couple work through those options.
- Encourage the couple to talk with each other rather than at or about each other. Have them voice the things they would appreciate instead of saying what they don't like.
- Remind them of the covenant they made with God on their wedding day, and help them rebuild their marriage on self-giving love rather than self-seeking feelings or expectations.
- Help those already divorced to rebuild their spiritual, emotional, and family lives with loving care and Christian standards.
What not to do or say
- Resist the urge to designate villains and victims or to take sides.
- Do not assume the responsibility to patch up the marriage. Only the couple can rebuild their relationship.
- Do not condemn. People with faltering or fallen marriages are loaded with guilt.
- Do not underestimate the potential for violence in a domestic quarrel. Use caution when entering a marital fight in progress.
- Be cautious of unhealthy attractions or dependencies between you and a counselee.
Copyright © Christianity Today International 2008. Adapted from Called Into Crisis.
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