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 How Is It with Your Soul?Paying attention to what matters most.
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"But what does it profit a person if they gain the whole world but lose their own soul? What is worth more than your soul?" Matthew 16:26 Several years ago, during an unusually intense season of ministry, I made a comment to a friend that surprised us both. Before I could censor my thoughts, I heard myself saying, "I'm tired of helping other people enjoy God; I just want to enjoy God for myself." This was not the first time I had noticed such a slip—nor would it be the last—but it was certainly one of the most clearly articulated! In the silence that followed this admission, I realized that there was an even truer truth waiting to be spoken, but I had been too busy and too out of touch with my own soul to say it. What I really needed to say to God was "I miss you." And when I heard myself say that, the awareness of what was true in my own soul hit me with such force that it felt like being knocked over by a wave that had been gathering strength while my back was turned. When Leaders Lose Their SoulsSuch moments come to all of us—moments when our leadership feels like something we "put on" like a piece of clothing pulled out of the closet for a particular occasion rather than something that flows from a deep inner well. You may have experienced this dynamic in your own way. Perhaps you are preparing to preach or lead a Bible study and you have the sinking realization that you are getting ready to exhort other in values and behaviors you are not living yourself. Maybe you are a worship leader and notice that more and more frequently you are manufacturing a display of emotion because it has been so long since you have experienced any real intimacy with God. Or perhaps someone needs pastoral care and you realize that you just don't care. You rally your energy to go through the motions but you know that your heart is devoid of real compassion. In her book Leaving Church, Episcopal priest and award-winning preacher Barbara Taylor Brown describes what it was like to feel her soul slipping away: "Drawn to care for hurt things, I had ended up with compassion fatigue. Drawn to a life of servanthood, I had ended up a service provider. Drawn to marry the Divine Presence, I had ended up estranged." Sometimes our sense that something is not quite right is more subtle. A young pastor who came for spiritual direction said, "I find [leadership] conferences to be very exciting on one level, but there is something darker that happens as well. Sometimes they leave me feeling competitive towards other churches and what they are accomplishing. I leave the conference feeling dissatisfied with my own situation—my own staff, my own resources, my own gifts and abilities. My ego gets ramped up to do bigger and better things and then I go home and drive everyone crazy. Three months later, the conference notebook is on a bookshelf somewhere and I have returned to life as usual with a vague feeling of uneasiness about my effectiveness as leader, never quite sure if I am measuring up." |        
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