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 Bringing It HomeI Had an Affair My husband wasn't making me happy. So why not look elsewhere for intimacy?
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I don't know exactly when my affair started. My marriage of eight years had brought me three wonderful children and a beautiful home. While I'd like to say it brought me happiness, too, I couldn't. I questioned the direction of my career, I felt guilty leaving my children with a babysitter, and I believed my husband, Allen,* wasn't doing everything he could to make me happy. I focused on what Allen did that I didn't like. Petty things such as making noises when he ate, telling annoying jokes, or not putting something away became the stepping-stones to what I thought were bigger problems. I thought, He never listens to me, he doesn't support anything I do, he rarely hugs me. By focusing on what he wasn't doing, I overlooked the things he did do: working hard to support us, helping around the house, encouraging me to take a break from my job, reading stories to the kids each night. He loved me, even when I wasn't loving toward him. Still, I grew impatient and emotionally distant. I blamed my unhappiness on Allen. Soon, he put more energy into his work. When he came home after a long day, I complained about the long hours he worked. Eventually, I avoided talking to him unless I had to. He then started working Saturdays, which added fuel to the fire. I turned to Paul, a coworker. He was easy to talk to, and I enjoyed his company. Thinking I found someone who truly understood me, we spent more time together. One evening after work a group of us went out for drinks. Paul and I were the last to leave, and as he walked me to my car, he kissed me. While I was surprised at first, I convinced myself there was nothing wrong with it because I didn't love Allen anymore. Paul and I met often and I told him about my marital "problems." The more I shared how awful my marriage was the more my heart opened to Paul. I thought he possessed all the qualities Allen lacked. I thought he was the one I was meant to be with. I thought I was in love. Our relationship grew physically and emotionally, and eventually we also became sexually intimate. At first, our relationship didn't bother me. I justified it by blaming Allen. After a few months though, guilt filtered in. The more I pushed it away, the more it consumed me. Finally after a year, I told Paul we couldn't continue our physical relationship. But I was still emotionally attached to him. I thought I loved him and even though he never said it, I was convinced he loved me. I mentally created this perfect life with this other man. Over the next year, I pushed Allen further away. I hardly talked to him, and although we still shared the same bed, I shunned sex or affection. Three months later I started to look for an apartment; I figured if I continued to act so badly, he would leave. Then I wouldn't have to accept responsibility for my actions. It almost worked. |        
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Crystal %%var.lastname%%
No George, I doubt Paul's heart is broken. If it is,he broke it himself getting involved with someone who is married with children. Paul is not a victim in any shape or form (excluding his own actions against himself). Paul and other tempters are tools for the devil. More than likely most adulterers are actually getting off on the fact that they are doing something they shouldn't. Besides the betrayed spouse, the ONLY innocent victims of an affair are the children. I cannot even begin to understand how people like Paul (especially if they are parents themselves) could even begin to get involved with married parent. I know that I would not want to be the cause of why a small child's world is falling and shattering apart. I have NO sympathy for for such a person.
Mary
I understand what you husband has gone through and am in his shoes as we speak. My husband also had an affair, more than one actually and it has taken a tremendous amount of work on both of our parts to create a new marriage out of the rubble. It has been almost two years since finding out about the last and I am still healing. The devastation is something that I could never have imagined, nor, I suspect, anyone who has not been the betrayed spouse could. Luckily I have been blessed with a wonderful support group of others who understand, have been there, and are committed to healing. Without God's help, I doubt I ever would have made an effort to rebuild this marriage and my husband and I both thank Him every day. Just an FYI, but Retrouvaille was our weekend retreat of healing for our marriage. Lyn, I admire the work both you and your husband have done to heal your marriage. As for Paul? If he knew you were married, he does not deserve sympathy, but pity for his choice.
George
What about Paul, You broke his heart you know!
tangwong
God will restore our marriage when we surrender ourselves to Him
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