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Home > Articles > The Emotions of Conflict
The Emotions of Conflict
The way to handle the most dangerous aspects of conflict is from the inside out.
Richard Paul Minnich

Topics:Anger, Conflict, Conflict resolution, Confrontation, Controversy, Difficult people, Division, Factions, Forgiveness, Leadership, Peace, Reconciliation, Unity
Filters:Church board, Church staff, Counseling, Discipleship, Elder, Pastor, Pastoral care, Small groups
Purpose:Discipleship
References:Matthew 18:15-18, John 13:25, Romans 12:18, Romans 14:19, 1 Corinthians 14:33, 2 Corinthians 13:11, Ephesians 4:1-3, 1 Thessalonians 5:13
Date Added:July 11, 2007

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Why we shy away

Pastors will sometimes go to great lengths to avoid conflict. Some become quite adept at taking cover when they see storm clouds on the horizon. These weather watchers use several techniques: they refuse to get involved, they redirect the combatants, or sometimes they simply sit tight and wait for the storm to blow over. They've learned to listen to all sorts of terrible accusations, some quite personal, and reply, "Thank you for your opinion."

This posture is built on several assumptions:

  • All conflict is negative. Due to experience with destructive conflict, many people believe that the fault lies with the conflict itself.
  • People are always hurt by conflict. If God doesn't want people to be hurt, then God must not like conflict. Pastors assume, therefore, that they must still the angry waves just as Jesus did on the Sea of Galilee.
  • People cannot be trusted to handle conflict. Perhaps because of past experience, some pastors assume that conflict will get personal, so it is better kept out of the hands of amateurs.

Fear of conflict makes their perception a self-fulfilling prophecy. If experience says conflict is always harmful, then the pattern is repeated, either by commission or avoidance. These mistakes create the very harm the pastor feared. People are hurt. The church is weakened.

But these assumptions are false. In reality, conflict is often necessary and may have positive results.

Battling the bear

Whenever a new idea is born and change occurs, there will be some level of conflict. Start a new Sunday school class and the old ones feel devalued. Change the worship service and someone complains they no longer feel the Spirit's presence.

Of course, never changing also produces conflict as members complain of boring programs and lack of leadership. Conflict is not the issue; it is how the conflict is handled that determines whether the outcome is constructive or destructive.

The initial place where we must wrestle conflict is inside ourselves. Many clergy begin by going to seminars and conferences on conflict-management theory. There are many helpful insights to be gained. Strategies can be learned, resolutions planned. Yet, these clergy go home and find that nothing changes. They have developed the techniques to handle conflict, but not the character.

Handling conflict is a lot like dealing with animals. I vacationed in northern California this year and discovered park rangers and tourists were taking many precautions for bears. One flyer said, "If attacked by a bear, lie face down, fold your arms over your head, and spread your legs. Above all, stay calm." STAY CALM?! A bear swats me with its paw, trying to roll me over to see if I'm dead, and they expect me to stay calm?