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Worshiping to Distraction
With all the crazy things that happen in a church service, it's amazing that anyone can actually worship!
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I still can't figure out what the ushers were thinking when they let the dog into the church. Granted, the door was open. The dog assumed he was welcome, but they didn't even try to stop him. At least they didn't offer him a bulletin. Things really got exciting when the beast scurried under the pews to avoid capture. I thought for a few minutes we would witness the Massachusetts version of the 'Mississippi Squirrel Revival.' Don't you marvel at the frequent distractions in worship? Here's a sampling. You couldn't possibly make up this stuff. Eye-catching apparelOne memorable clothing distraction was The Sweater. A leader in our church, a giant of a man, came to serve communion in a red ski sweater. I love sweaters, and there's nothing wrong with wearing one to church, but this was a whole lot of sweater. Yards of bright red wool, ornamented with big white reindeer. How can you contemplate the sacrifice of Christ when you're nose to nose with Rudolph? I decided not to say anything, but the next month he showed up again in the same outfit. Apparently it was his communion sweater. It was time to talk. The apparel distraction category also includes young women who come to worship underclothed. One blossoming teen sang a solo wearing a blouse she had outgrown a few grades previously. Mom and Dad sat proudly in the audience, oblivious to the distraction their daughter was causing. Another soloist once wore a dress so short that none of us sitting directly behind her knew where to look. I settled on a prayerful, head-bowed stance. Electronic demonsWe've all grown accustomed to the chorus of beeps and buzzes as electronic watches across the sanctuary signal the hour. I was not prepared for Joe's new watch. Joe was visually challenged and hearing impaired, so he purchased a device that spoke the time, loudly. I don't think Joe was sending me a message when he pressed the button, but his watch sure did. During the service a mechanical voice would clearly enunciate, 'Eleven fifty-eight.' My biggest electronic demon has always involved sound equipment. Through the years I have heard the disembodied voices of ham radio operators exhorting my congregation. Radio stations have come across the speakers with greater clarity than my home stereo system. The most terrifying noises I've ever heard have happened during worship, wrought by sound technicians. Some were so piercing that they jeopardized the structural integrity of my dental work. With those who wear wireless mikes, I can attest: squealing, whistles, and feedback will follow me all the days of my life, for amateurs dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Fall of the house of UshersBeware ushers bearing notes. I used to get several each year alerting me that a car had its lights on. I hated to break the flow of worship. Since our announcement time is at the close of the service, I decided to wait until then to read the notes aloud. I apologized that the lights probably weren't on anymore and offered to call AAA myself. The ushers haven't bothered to give me many notes since then. |             |
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