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Developing Your Discernment
How to read the people you lead.
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People who have a public vocabulary different from their private one sometimes let a private word slip into the public expression, and that opens a window into the person's thought process. Then notice the manipulation of words. Does a person put a "spin" on descriptions of people or events? For instance, those who use diplomatic language ordinarily want to avoid offending anyone, which to a discerning leader means you're probably not getting the whole story.
Hear what they don't say
The negative tone in "isn't it" signaled that he was losing confidence, that we had better get back with him quickly or he would be back on the booze. This is what I call "latent listening." With this, we try to learn why the person says what he says and why he says it at this particular time and in this particular way. Listen for three things: tone, pace, and rhythm. Tone is generally driven by underlying emotions. If the tone is judgmental, I generally suspect self-righteousness or cynicism. A negative tone generally denotes a negative feeling about the subject. Interpreting laughter among associates is instructive. Where the communication relationship is open and free, so is the laughter. If it is just polite, derisive, or carrying innuendo, there is discord. Like musical
ability, discernment
can be taught, practiced, and developed. Those who clearly speak in controlled tones also raise a question as to why. For example, on a witness stand often you see people trying to control their voices. Is it because they're right or because they're afraid of being found out? Pace is also affected by emotion. Generally an excited person speaks more quickly and the pitch rises. One night I was visiting with a psychiatrist friend in a social situation, and he asked me about an economic principle that I knew only vaguely. I knew he didn't know anything about it, so I waded in with great authority. When I finished he said, "You know very little about the subject." I confessed, and asked him how he knew. He said, "Because your pace and tone changed, telling me that you were on shaky ground." Talking excessively is always questionable and generally is born of a desire to impress, intimidate, or ingratiate. Talking too loudly can be a control factor. Rhythm is harder to interpret. An interesting conversationalist or speaker always has an interesting rhythm. A boring person has a sonorous rhythm. Rhythm many times indicates personal involvement with the subject. Sometimes rhythm suggests a dramatic performance rather than personal communication. |             |
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